A Cat's New Years Resolutions
If you've ever been owned by a cat you will enjoy the
article below. We don't know who wrote it, but we can tell
that they were certainly cat pets themselves...
A Cat's New Years Resolutions
Author Unknown
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at
peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the
same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it
down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me
and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash
into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it
as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it may really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my
help installing a new board in her computer.
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