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Funny Bird Jokes and Avian Humor:

GOING, GOING, GONE!
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an
exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in
the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he
bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more
than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this
much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry",
said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding
against you?"



What do you call a minor bird accident?

A feather bender.


Why did the duck go ring-ring?

He got a phone bill.



What did the little bird say to the big bird?

Peck on someone your own size.



What do you call a formal dance for ducks?

A fowl ball.


What kind of ducks rob banks?

Safe quackers.



Why was the duck unhappy?

His bill was in the mail.



Why did the pigeon need to get out?

He was cooped up at home all week.



Which bird does construction work?

The crane!


Which birds work underground?

Myna (miner) birds.



What kind of doctor treats a duck?

A quack doctor!



What kind of weather excites a pet duck?

Fowl weather, of course!


What holiday is strictly observed by all birds?

Feather's Day!



Where can birds play professional baseball?

In the mynah leagues!



How can you tell a miser from his pet canary?

One's a little cheap, but the other's a little cheeper.



Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons
watched as a Mercedes pulled
in below them. "What do you think?" one bird said to the other.
"Should we put a deposit on that car?"



Little Harleigh said to her classmate, "Todd, did you read the
story about the emperor who bought a nightingale?" Todd shook his
head. "Yes," said Harleigh. "He got it for a song!"



What did the parrot say when she fell in love with the frog?

Polly wants a croaker!



What would you name a parrot made out of plastic?

Polly-Esther!



Who belongs to the P.T.A.?

Parrots and teachers!


How can you tell that birds like shopping at sales?

They're always saying "cheep-cheep".



What kind of bird digs for coal?

A mynah!


Why did the duck put its head in the stream?

To liquidate its bill.



Why did the duck leave the stream?

It had more interest in the bank.



Which vacation spot will really make your pet bird sing for joy?

The Canary Islands!



What kind of fish can you find in a birdcage?

A perch!

CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me
free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much
they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says
the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a
hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster
runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music
anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender.
"Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his
other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play
the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like
Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night
drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender
is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to
me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one
then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for
$100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the
money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster
said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only
$100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a
ventriloquist"!!!


MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will
be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.



PET SHOP PARROTS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points
to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The
parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner
says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that
this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other
parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win
any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the
third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say,
this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner
replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."


THE AIRLINES
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the
stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey. There's a
parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps, "A double Scotch and
make it quick". "Yes ,sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets
the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in
one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a
second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been
asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the
parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess, "You @#*$# hag, get
me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the
pilot pit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You
know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".



Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!

Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!

Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

With a rubber duck, one's never alone. --"The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy"

Lame Duck: A politician whose goose is cooked.

1000 mockingbirds = one kilomockingbird







Chicken farmer
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going
to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a
chicken farmer. He bought a nice chicken farm and moved it. As it
turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming
isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you
100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new
neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said,
"Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my
chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and
the neighbor stopped in again. The new farmer said, "You're not
going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died, too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?" "Well," said
the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep
or too close together."



Five doctors
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a
surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging
overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who
raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will
have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the
bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it
was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's
identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a
duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled
with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to
the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will
you?"

The Duck and the Grapes

A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the
counter. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the
puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door.


A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any
grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15
minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and
walks out.

A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got
any grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any,
we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you
come back in here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the
floor!" The duck smiles and walks out.

Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?"
The clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any
grapes?"

~~~


The Blue Jay

A Blue Jay applied for the receptionist job at the new AT&T
headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the
Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80
words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent!

Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told
the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation.
The Jay surpassed all other candidates.

Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of
the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay
replied "Meow!"

~~~


The Chicken and the Books

One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK
(book), so the librarian gave the chicken a book.

The next day the same chicken came back to the library and
said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave him two books.

The next day the same chicken came back to the library and
said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so again the librarian gave him three
books, but this time the librarian decided to follow him to
see what a chicken wanted with three books.

As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond,
he saw the chicken pass all the books to a frog who while he
was looking at them was saying, REDDIT,REDDIT, REDDIT

~~~


The Myna Bird With a Small Vocabulary

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided
that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her
company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the
owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend.
She said that she was on Social Security so she had only
$20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she
could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a
possibility!" he added.

The store owner went into the back room and brought out a
black Myna Bird on a perch. He said, "You can have this myna
bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say
is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic to get a talking bird to keep her
company. She paid the $20 and took the bird home. When she
got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went
out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she
thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove
off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly
delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the
G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

The man immediately suffers a heart attack, and falls dead
face down onto the ground in front of the front door. The
lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body in
front of her door. She opens the door to phone for help, and
says, "Oh my God! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "Lady, it's the
butcher!!!"

~~~


Two Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have
these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing: 'Hi, we're lonely ladies. Do you want to have
some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male
talking parrots. I taught them to read the Bible and pray
the rosary."

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the
priest's cage. "Hi, we're lonely ladies. Do you want to have
some fun?" they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

~~~

The Special Parrot

A lady walks in to a pet store and asks the salesman if he
has any parrots for sale. He replies that he has a very
special parrot in back.

They go to the back of the store and see a beautiful bird
with a string around each leg. The salesman explains that
if the lady pulls the string on the left leg, the bird sings
"Nearer My God to Thee," and if she pulls the right string,
it sings, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head."

The lady asks what happens if she pulls both strings, and
the bird yells out, "I fall on my butt, you big dummy!!"



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