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Were you a Cat in a former Life?
Phil Maggitti
According to a Gallup/C.N.N./U.S.A. Today poll, one in four
Americans believes in reincarnation. Many people who hold this
belief also avow that reincarnation is a two-way channel: Animals
can be reborn as people, and people can come back as animals.
Moreover, experiences in past lives are thought to explain a
person's behavior in this one. I am convinced, for example, that
my fondness for cats dates from the Old Kingdom in Egypt, when I
was minister of agriculture for Emporer Tutucommon.
If some people did spend a previous life (or lives) on all fours,
chances are good that a few of those fours were cat paws. But how
can a body be sure? In truth, certitude is in the mind of the
beholder. That's the beauty of it. So if you suspect that your
passion for salmon is more of a cosmic statement than a simple
taste preference, the following guide will help you to decide if
you were a cat in a previous existence.
You might have been a Cat if ...
You might have been a cat in a former life if you don't feel
rested unless you get 14 to 18 hours sleep each day; if you seize
your steak between your teeth, shake it vigorously, then bat it
around your plate before eating it; if your gaze narrows, your
mouth twitches, and you sink into a murderous crouch at the sight
of a mouse; or if you indicate affection for people by rubbing
your face against their legs.
There might be a cat in your past-lives tree if you can hear
small, faint, rustling sounds that no one else can detect; if you
consider yourself healthy as long as your nose is cool and
slightly damp; if you have frequent urges to relieve yourself in
the bathtub; if you can't resist batting at pony tail plants
whenever you pass them; or if you believe you can read more in a
person's hindquarters than in his handshake.
You may have answered to the name Sylvester once upon a time if
you prefer a spit bath to a sponge bath; if you try to bury your
food with your napkin when you've eaten enough; if you worry when
your temperature falls below 100 degrees; if you prefer catnip to
lemon in your tea; or if you climbed trees far more frequently
and faster than the average child.
You may have had exceptionally long whiskers in the past if you
just had your children microchipped so that anyone who finds them
will be able to return them to you; if you consider
bottle-feeding the invention of the devil; if you think a flea
bath is more practical than a bubble bath; if you clean your
teeth by chewing on hard candy, or if you got sick after the
office party last Christmas because you ate the mistletoe.
Chances are your ears were formerly pointed and furry if you wish
you could lick your entire nose; if you put pills in a mound of
baby food before you take them; if you couldn't stand to read
about the High Middle Ages in history class; if you think a few
mouthfuls of grass are the best cure for an upset stomach;; if
you wouldn't dream of taking your temperature with a mouth
thermometer; or if you've never been very good at team sports.
Your chromosomes may have numbered 38 at one time if you hid your
children in the closet when they were newborns; if you wake your
friends by licking their faces; if you don't see what's so
terrible about promiscuity; if you sometimes turn around and bite
a person who has been giving you a back rub; if you would rather
sleep on a warm car hood than in your bed; if you can swivel your
ears more than the average person can; or if you blink at people
to show you like them.
You may have been covered with your own cat fur in a previous
life if your vestigial tail is more than slightly vestigial; if
your vertical leap is triple your height; if you prefer your food
at room temperature; if you wear sunglasses to hide the reddish
glow your eyes give off at night; if you tried to eat the
placenta when you had your first child; if you frequently sit on
the newspaper when someone is reading it; or if your sense of
balance is better than anyone's you know.
You may have been a cat before if you think the taste of
antifreeze is keen; if you are drawn to sit on the lap of anyone
who doesn't like you; if you still won't eat your vegetables; if
you put dead mice in your children's Christmas stockings; if you
never cared for sweets; if you've seen the musical Cats 19 times;
or if you often wear unmatching socks.
Your normal heart rate was probably 240 beats per minute at one
time if you knew your name as a child but wouldn't answer to it;
if your idea of a pleasant evening is to sit around with a few
friends grooming one another; if you get really annoyed when
anyone stares at you; if you can taste the difference between
Evian, Perrier, and Poland Spring waters every time; if you've
always wanted a handlebar mustache; if you're more allergic to
fleas than most people are; or if you like your bath towels the
texture of sandpaper.
Obviously, the more of these traits you possess, the greater the
chance you were a cat in a previous life. Which may explain why
you prefer to drink out of a bowl rather than a glass. But the
crucial question is: What about the next life? Given what you
know about people and the way they treat cats, would you want to
have four legs instead of two the next time around?
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