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Amusing & Entertaining

Dog Jokes

& Dog Humor


















The pet's here at PetCareTips hope you get a real laugh out of
these dog jokes and humorous dog stories. Keep those tails wagging.
And put a smile on your face.

After all, if you day is going not quite right, come back here and let
these dog jokes brighten up your day.


Jokes About Dogs

Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewy were on the bus home from elementary
school, when a fire engine zoomed past their bus with blaring sirens.

The three kids noticed a Dalmatian dog on the
front seat of the fire engine, and Ricky said: "They use that dog to
keep crowds back."

"No," said Jimmy, "hes just for good luck."

But Stewy knew better: "No, the dog is giving
them directions to the nearest fire hydrant."





Two Dog Owners

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their
pets.

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that
used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend
complained about him and I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like
that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.


==========================================



Top 10 signs you spoil your Dog:

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your
dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him
pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the
stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and
yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for
visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the
next family vacation.

7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as
long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't
think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes
he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address.


==========================================


Another Dog Joke

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy
from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They
used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the
biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel
bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with
a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt
sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that
this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian
dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian
dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.


=============================================


What do you call a sick dog?

A germy shepherd!


==============================================


More Dog Humor

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing
chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can
hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've
ever seen."

Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out
of five."


================================================


Dog Humor at the Movies

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an
old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know
the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part,
the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog
really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

=================================================


An Irish Setter on Safari

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering
about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter)....
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says
the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw
him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being
made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's
that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago
to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"




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