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Baby Pig

A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over
and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the
pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop
sees him and pulls him over.

Cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

The driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in
the field."

The cop says "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"

The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls

The man replies, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such
a good time we are going to the ball game now."

Apple Eater

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm,
and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree
directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another
until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with
another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply
shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the

The farmer looked puzzled for a bit and then replied, "What's
time to a pig?"
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make
with it?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it
be 'Yea when humans fly'?

Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea
nor are they pigs?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig
is to cure it?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?


Why Did the Pig Cross the Road ?

Plato - For the greater good.

Karl Marx - It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli - So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a pig which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to
contend with such a paragon of porcine virtue? In such a manner
is the princely pig's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates - Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in
its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida - Any number of contending discourses may be
discovered within the act of the pig crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never
be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada - Give me ten minutes with the pig and I'll
find out.

Timothy Leary - Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams - Forty-two.

Nietzsche - Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the
Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North - National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner - Because the external influences which had pervaded
its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing
these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung - The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual pigs cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre - In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the pig found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein - The possibility of "crossing" was encoded
into the objects "pig" and "road," and circumstances came into
being which caused the actualization of this potential

Albert Einstein - Whether the pig crossed the road or the road
crossed the pig depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle - To actualize its potential.

Buddha - If you ask this question, you deny your own pig-nature.

Howard Cosell - It may very well have been one of the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An
historic,unprecedented porcine quadruped with the temerity to
attempt such an herculean achievement formerly elegated to homo
sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali - The Fish.

Darwin - It was the logical next step after coming down from the

Emily Dickinson - Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus - For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson - It didn't cross the road; it transcended

Johann Friedrich von Goethe - The eternal sow-principle made it
do it.

Ernest Hemingway - To die. In the rain. Alone.

Werner Heisenberg - We are not sure which side of the road the
pig was on, but it was moving very fast.

Schrodinger - Pig? Pig!? Where's my cat?

David Hume - Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson - 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic - What road?

Frank Perdue - I breed the finest pig I know how, and it crosses
the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the
leanest, plumpest pigs anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with
this axe at the time.

Ronald Reagan - I don't recall.

John Sununu - The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the pig availed himself
of the opportunity.

The Sphinx - You tell me.

Mr. T - If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau - To live deliberately ... and suck all the
marrow out of life.

Mark Twain - The news of its crossing has been greatly

Molly Yard - It was a sow!

Zeno of Elea - To prove it could never reach the other side.

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